MEXICANS/ANYONE SOUTH O' THE BORDER: They mow your lawns. They make your fajitas. They clean your dishes. They sew your t-shirts. They operate the floor-waxers at Target. They're taking all of your precious jobs! Deport the greasy lot of 'em now!!! Their version of hip-hop has one a grand total of one beat. Remember "Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee? That's the beat, and they can never get enough. I can't stroll down the strip without coming across a Cadillac stuffed with Cholos blasting that monkey-junk at an eardrum-shattering level. Be careful, you may mistake one for another! Should this happen, chances are dozens of Mexican hands holding razor sharp butterfly knives will come at you from every direction. They will slice and grind you into taco meat. Chances are good that the cocaine you're currently snorting off of your mousepad was smuggled by one of these decent, hardworking people. They invented my favorite version of football. It's a woman's sport. Here's how to play. Get pregnant, wait 9 months, dash across the border, avoid the big nasty men, go into labor, give birth, TOUCHDOWN! You now have a United States citizen in your family! Your child will live a life of freedom and opportunity! Get deported. Repeat. Question: Remember Elian Gonzalez? Do you remember that sneaky little shit?
THE AFRICAN CONTINENT: An amazing continent full of beautiful wildlife and lush jungles. Go there quick before the poachers kill all the rhinos! Its population consists mostly of zebras, lizards, elephants, flamingos, poisonous snakes, cannibals, people with FUCKING MASSIVE lower lips from those plate thingies, AIDS, bloodthirsty monster warlords and child soldiers fucked off their tits from chewing too much khat. Whitey comes there every so often to take advantage of their natural resources, bust a nut in some Monrovian hookers, then return home to drink the finest chardonnay on the terrace. Nobody cares about Africa. One million Rwandans die by machete, so whitey says, "How horrible!" then changes the channel. The traders on The Ivory Coast, militias in Somalia, and RUF in Sierra Leone make the so-called gangsters here look like a bunch of ginger-kid choir boys. Not that they're something to aspire to, you got that Fitty? The state of the African continent is living (or dying depending on how you look at it) proof that the vast majority of humans are greedy, selfish animals. Those that make up their minds to quit bitching and go help need to be sainted, knighted, and have their names immortalized on a giant obelisk of marble in the middle of Times Square. Question: Do you really care?
JUDEN: Known within their own ranks as Jews. Have spent the last 63 years gushing blood all over everyone about the Holocaust. They act under the assumption that because you survived a genocide you're entitled to piss on everyone else (a.k.a. the Palestinians). Everyone thought that giving them Israel, giftwrapped with a pretty pink bow, would shut them up so we could focus on genocides happening today but noooooo. They are loyal followers of the Russian/Chinese tradition of being professionals at dying in mass quantities from terrible things. It's been going on for milleniae but we just can't seem to get bored of killing them. They do have lots of holidays that helped me to take days off from school. That was nice. Their bread was nice too. Didn't we get that on Fridays? It tasted like murder. Murder is delicious. Question: Have you ever met a poor Jew?
GERMANZ: Ja! Ja! Ja, mein Deutschland! Los! Schnell! Guten tag! Schweinhund! They could be telling you all sorts of sweet nothings. It doesn't matter. They'll still sound like they're cursing your filthy guts to Hell and back. According to a testimonial from a real live non-domesticated German, the place really is teeming with closet Nazis who long for the glorious days of the fatherland when they put the boot to the entire world's collective ass. Speaking of ass, not long ago half the country was controlled by commie fascist swine and was comparable to the grinding sphincter of Hell. They still haven't gotten over that. As a matter of fact, they're pretty moody on the subject, hence the massive goth culture. The poor sods are still locked in a state of constant apology for the Holocaust. Even a newborn German baby starts out with the blood of six million Jews on his soft, tiny hands. If they even think about trying anything then all of Europe will immediately beat and sodomize them like a Saigon hooker. A lot of Sick Fucks come from Germany. They have dick-chop and scat porn for fuck's sake. Question: Did you know Hitler only had one testicle?
THE FRENCH a.k.a. FAGS: I can't think of a snootier nation than France. They are clearly under the impression that if you come from America, that must mean you automatically love George W. Bush and are therefore a barbarian unworthy of their superior intellect. When they aren't losing wars or icing their vaginas, they sample the finest wines and delicacies. They are, after all, too classy to engage in such vulgar activities as war! So uncivilized! We surrender! Oui, monsier, another splash of cognac, merci. According to a testimonial from a fair maiden of France, the men there are quite effeminate, which comes as no surprise. I'm convinced that all of their faggotry stems from the language. I dare you to try and talk tough in French. It's simply not possible when you have to speak from your lips, perpetually puckering up like a sissy. It's a sensitive, whiny language that was never meant for mass-production. The Merovingian was right though. It's a wonderful language to curse with. It IS like wiping your ass with silk. Unlike ze Germanz, every sentence uttered is like a high-powered aphrodisiac that turns your dick to stone, so having sex in France is just like saying hello =). Question: Did you know that you're a white trailer trash right-wing conservative capitalist warmonger who loves George W. Bush so much you would suck his warm drippy cum right off the American flag after he jacks off on it? Well, did you know that or not? Huh? Did you? Peeg.
ALIENS: Little green men. Glassy black eyes. Giant genocidal laser beams. Not the other aliens mentioned earlier. The ideal vessel for extra-terrestrial space travel is clearly shaped like a saucer, so that's the only way to go on a cross-galaxy road trip. Known to sodomize farmers from Iowa and leave amusing designs on their fields. I still think they're just as fucked up as we are and decided to draw a bunch of alien dicks. They're probably laughing at us right now as we tear our scalps off trying to figure out what the signs mean. If they aren't the beady eyed weirdo sodomites from Kryxcepton, then they must be HR Giger phallic-shaped beasties that burst through your ribcage and bleed corrosive acid all over the rug when you poke them too hard. Most of the time, when we depict aliens in the movies, they're all out to kill us. Why can't we depict friendly aliens, you might ask. But let's put things in perspective here. Say you were a part of a highly intelligent and compassionate race of creatures that cooperate with each other for the greater good. After hundreds of years of hard work and planning you send out a deep space expedition and what do you find? Us. Question: Area 51?
Did I miss anyone?
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