Oldies: Josh Gager's Nipples

Josh Gager's nipples are pyramid shaped. He frequently walks around defrocked in order to exhibit them, as they are a sign of fertility and drive women wild. I remember one time I was at a pool party and he swaggers in with his knowing grin, eyes squinting beneath his dark aviator sunglasses. I remember when he kicked off his sandals and finally took off his Quicksilver skateboarding t-shirt it was like he was moving in slow motion. As his nipples revealed themselves to the stunned crowd one at a time, I saw the blood drain from every woman's face, presumably surging to their engorged clits.

I turned back to my snow cone for a moment, stricken with jealousy. I was clearly in the presence of an alpha male and I didn't want to get his attention for fear he would punish me. Suddenly I heard a gasp from the crowd. I turned around just in time to see him do a parkour jump over a picnic table, then did a reverse somersault off of the squash court with the grace of a swallow in flight and finally landed in the deep end of the pool. Wild cheers rang out from weeping mothers holding small infants, who were unexpectedly stricken with a feeling of rejuvenation by the wondrous spectacle of Spartan athleticism.

My girlfriend looked over at me and sneered, instantly sickened by the realization of what an ugly mutt of a boy she had been dating the past six months. She slammed the strawberry snow cone in my face, making my chest cold and sticky, and dumped me right on the spot. Josh emerged from the pool, whipping his hair back from his face, sending a semicircle arc of water through the air. The first female he saw turned out to be my girlfriend, and thus he would have her, for he was Josh Gager. He climbed out of the pool, dripping wet, the sun glistening off of his freckled skin. My girlfriend, as if in a trance, walked towards the man she hoped she would one day marry. There was some kind of mutual understanding between them, because the next thing I knew, as I reached for a napkin, my girlfriend was sucking on his left nipple, desperate, greedy, like a baby suckling for milk. And that, my friends, is the first time I met the man they'd later come to call 12 Gager, the legendary east coast outlaw. God help us all.